


Moving On

by kcanwrite



Category: Doctor Who RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Angst, Doctor Who References, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, RPF
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-02
Updated: 2013-07-04
Packaged: 2018-02-28 17:15:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2740532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kcanwrite/pseuds/kcanwrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karen finds out Matt is leaving Doctor Who and finally calls him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in 2013 as a one shot. Due to popular demand on Tumblr, I turned it into a chaptered fic. Unfortunately, I have not finished it. That doesn't mean I won't finish it, it's just been a long time since I felt inspiration for it.

Karen laughed aloud to herself. “He’s not!” She clicked Matt’s name under the trending topics, wondering what publicity scandal he’d gotten himself into this time. It couldn’t be worse than when he’d shaved his hair or—she shook her head, thinking of Spain.

_Probably rumors._

She froze when she read the discussion. A chorus of fans were begging him not to leave Doctor Who, others were simply shocked by the news, one or two already had theories about his replacement. Karen followed a link to BBC’s website. It all appeared true this time. He was leaving the show.

_Why now?_

Her hands scrambled over her desk for her phone, fingers fluttered over the keypad. She didn’t need to look at the screen.

Two rings.

“Karen.” No Kaz, no Gillan. Somehow this was more insulting than all the stupid nicknames he’d ever given her.

“It’s true, then.”

He sounded exasperated. “I couldn’t tell you, you know that. I couldn’t tell anyone.”

“Did you tell Arthur, when you saw him in New York?” She struggled to keep emotion from her voice.

The silence on the other end of the line wasn’t what she needed to hear.

“Matt—”

“Kaz, I—”

That broke her.

“When did you quit?” she spat out.

He paused a moment. “I didn’t… I met with Steven after you…” He sighed, gathering his thoughts. “I told Steven I wasn’t sure I wanted to carry on without you two.”

Karen took a deep breath and held it.

“He compromised, told me to stick around for the fiftieth, give it a go. There’d be an out with the Christmas special, if I wanted. After we wrapped, I told Steven it just wasn’t the same anymore. He said to ponder everything, think it all over. When the finale came round on telly, we met in New York to talk… Arthur was there.”

She started breathing out slowly, gripping her knee tightly with her free hand.

“I’d already mulled it all over with him, weighed my options. I want to move on, Kaz.” There was a short quietness. She counted the seconds. “I want to move on to wherever you are.”

“That’s not moving on,” she mumbled, half to herself.

“I don’t care.”

There was a tense silence.

She should’ve known he’d ruin it first. “I miss you.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Please, K—”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Why not?”

She couldn’t speak.

“Talk to me. I’ve missed you, really,” he pleaded. “You just left, moved to the whole other side of the world. You never call or answer my texts. What happened, Ka—” He stopped himself this time.

Karen closed her eyes and leaned back in her desk chair. “I was trying to move on, Matt. As long as you were in the show, we couldn’t…” she trailed off.

“I know. But now—”

“No. I’ve moved on.”

“You called me, Karen.” His voice was darker, now.

Why had she called him? What was she thinking? She set the phone down and placed her face in her hands, breathing deeply. Matt’s voice crackled out mechanically across the distance. Suddenly, there wouldn’t be any publicists to scold them, no show runners insinuating how relationships between co-stars could affect performances, no one to dictate the possibilities, but them. It all terrified her. She couldn’t hide behind the rules of the job anymore. Suddenly, they were free. And living in denial was exhausting.

“Kazza?” her phone croaked.

She picked it up carefully. “Matt?”

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“I’m sorry. I— I missed you, too. I just— I didn’t know how to tell you.” The words tumbled out of her, disjointed but full of pent-up emotion. She wasn’t sure how to be honest with him. Normally, they spoke in metaphors and nicknames, teasing and words left unsaid. Saying it all out loud was unexplored territory. Sometimes, he would step into it, but she’d always pulled him back. Venturing in herself sucked the breath out of her. “You scare me.”

“I don’t want to scare you,” he said, the desperation in his voice evident. “I want to make you laugh! And, you know you can tell me anything.”

She gave a small giggle. “I know. I mean, I always knew. I guess I just, sort of, forgot for a little while.”

“A long while,” he harrumphed.

“Hey! I said I was sorry!”

“You did.”

She knew he was smiling, now. And, Karen couldn’t deny the grin on her own face. There was a pause, each of them enjoying the peace.

“Come visit me, Kaz.”

“You visit me,” she countered.

“Alright. When?”

She wasn’t prepared for that. She’d just been reveling in their old banter. Quickly, she ran through her work schedule. “Next weekend.”

“Fine. See you then, Gillan.”

“You’re on, Smith.”

“Okay. I’m gonna hang up, now.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

There was a long silence before Karen burst into laughter. She heard Matt chuckle on the other end of the line for a few seconds before they both hung up. Karen placed a hand to her chest and laughed at how fast her heart was beating. How ridiculous that Matt could still make her feel this giddy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt visits Karen in LA.

Karen paced in front of her door, glancing nervously around her sparse living room. She’d spent all morning—awake before sunrise—vacuuming and dusting, mopping and scrubbing. Her flat ( _apartment_ , here in LA) may lack personality, but goddammit it would be spotless. She plucked an imaginary piece of lint from her dress and forced herself to take a deep breath. Sitting on the sofa proved too difficult a task for her jitters and the room was much too small for the long steps her legs craved to take back and forth. Karen rubbed her hands together nervously and checked her phone again. Matt said he would text when his flight landed. That should have been an hour ago, at least.

_Where is he?_

A sudden buzz drew her from her thoughts. She raced to the intercom on her wall.

"Hellooo?"

"Kaz?" He sounded vaguely confused by this whole charade. "Hey, yeah, it’s me."

She jabbed a button. “Come up!”

Karen took the next minute or two to have a mad dash around the place, double-checking cleanliness, straightening odds and ends. Matt’s chipper knock was unmistakable. She barely had the door open before she was enveloped in a warm bear hug. His bags made a satisfactory thump on the floor behind her.

"Matt!" she exclaimed, somewhat muffled by his unnecessarily thick jumper. Her hand found its way to the nape of his neck, where it was met with soft stubble. "Your hair! I forgot!"

He laughed warmly into her ginger locks before pulling back with a self-conscious grin. “Is it awful?”

Karen gave his ears a twinge. “Naw, course not, dumbo. Suits ya!”

"Oi!"

"Oi, yourself! Get inside, then." She pushed the door closed behind him and picked up one of his two bags, leading the way to her extra bedroom. "I know this delicious place for lunch. Everyone who comes to LA has to try it, they say."

Matt followed her excitedly, noting the beige walls and far less exciting furnishings of his bedroom. “Who’s ‘they’?”

Karen shrugged. “I don’t know, people. It’s great, I promise. It’s fast food, which is very American. We could be in and out in a jiff.”

He couldn’t help but laugh, nodding his consent.

Later, as they were rushing out to the parking garage of Karen’s building in the rain, Matt wondered where all the LA sunshine had gone. He glanced at Karen in the shadows of the cement structure, her pale face much more gaunt than before. Her hair, once like fire, a force all it’s own, now hung limply about her shoulders. She spoke animatedly and a grin cracked across her features, but there was no spark behind her brown eyes. Matt thought of reaching for her hand, but stopped himself. They approached his rental car, a small blue Camry. _Next time_ , he thought, _I’ll call ahead and arrange for something impressive._ He opened the door for her. By the time he got around to starting the car, she already had her phone’s GPS talking.

"What are you doing, Kaz?"

"I’m getting directions to the burger place," she answered distractedly.

"Why? You’ve lived here for fucking ages. You ought to know the way, yeah?"

Karen was silent for a long time before offering a distant “No.”

He side-eyed a glance at her, as she fiddled with her phone. “Are you alright?”

She jumped and looked over at him wide-eyed. “Of course! Why wouldn’t I be?” Karen gave Matt’s arm a playful punch. “I’ve got my best friend, we’re on our way to eat American burgers, the sun is—” She glowered comically at the offending black clouds. “…late to the party. But it’s an all-around great day.”

Matt smiled genuinely. “It is a great day, isn’t it? I’ve missed you, Kazza.” He rumpled her hair, and she playfully ducked away.

"Missed you more," she teased.

He let out a hearty laugh as they arrived at the restaurant, two blocks from Karen’s building.

The rain had stopped, though the skies were still grim by the time their food was ready.

"What do you say, Gillan, risk an outdoors table?" Matt challenged.

She lowered her brows and picked up her half of the meal. “Alright, if you think you can handle it, Smith.”

"Oh, oh!" Matt followed her to a table beneath an umbrella. "This food better be as good as all your LA friends say, Kaz, or I will be sorely disappointed."

Karen turned away. ”Prepare to have your hipster socks blown right off!” She sat down on the damp bench.

Matt unwrapped his burger and took a bite in achingly slow motion. He raised an eyebrow.

Karen popped a chip ( _fry_ , she thought) in her mouth. “Well?”

He swallowed and gave a thumbs up. “Brilliant!”

"Oh, good. I can try mine, then."

Matt’s jaw dropped open, bits of lettuce still visible. “What d’you mean?”

Karen shrugged, pulling her food from the paper bag. “Never been here before.”

"You’re kidding."

"Nope," she replied, lips popping.

"Karen, what do you do all day?"

"Well, I don’t go around taste-testing American cuisine, that’s for sure." She took a small bite. "I’ve done small projects here and there. Lots of auditions. Hey, this is really good!" she exclaimed, pointing to her burger. "I don’t just sit on my ass all day." She took a bigger bite.

"I didn’t say you did," Matt replied carefully. He shook his head, searching for a subject change. "What else is on the schedule for us?" he asked with a hint too much cheer.

Karen gulped down her food. ”I’ve got a script to study. Just like old times?” She gave him an award-winning smile. That was the Karen he knew. There she was, in that smile there. He could almost taste her again, in the heat of Spain and too much tequila. The sun peeked out from behind the clouds then and her hair caught the light, sparkling in the rays for the brevity of a few seconds. 

And, suddenly, a clap of thunder snapped them both to attention. They gave each other daring looks, leaning in for just a moment before rushing up from the table and tossing what was left of their lunch in the bin. Neither was sure who grabbed whose hand first, but they were running together in the sudden downpour, laughing.

"Where did you park?"

"I don’t remember!"

Their voices were barely audible above the rush of the rain. Karen squeezed Matt’s hand and led him up a familiar street.

"I think I’m just around the corner!"

"I know!"

And they ran through the rain to Karen’s building. Hand-in-hand, they threw themselves beneath the awning. Both were breathing heavily as they faced each other, grinning manically. Karen slid slightly on the slippery concrete, but Matt caught her deftly, his right arm around her waist. She steadied herself on his opposing shoulder. He looked down at her startled face softly.

"Are you alright?"

Their faces were mere centimeters apart, breath mingling.

"I— yeah, I’m fine." Karen used Matt’s shoulder to pull herself up—anything to get her heart to stop pounding. Those green eyes had been her undoing once before, not again. She began opening the gate. She had to keep control of herself. "Let’s get inside."


	3. Chapter 3

"I just can’t do this anymore. I’m in love with you. I have always loved you. I will always love you. We’re meant to be!" He knelt down in front of her, grasping her her delicate fingers in one hand and a script in the other.

Karen jumped back. “Oh, come off it, that’s not the line!”

"It is so, Kaz," Matt spoke matter-of-factly. "I read it right here."

She rolled her eyes. “You’re supposed to be helping me. I’ve got to get this down!”

Matt stood again. “Oh, alright.” He cleared his throat. “I just can’t do this any longer. I’m in love with you, Shelley.”

Lightning flashed followed by a rumble of thunder. The rush of the rain was increasingly audible.

"It’s too late. We— We’re too far gone," Karen sped through her line.

"What does that even mean?"

"Matt, that’s not the line!" she scolded.

Just then, the buzzer sounded, and Matt rushed to the intercom. “Who is it?”

An unfamiliar voice crackled through, “Delivery from Sea Dragon Chinese?”

A little too excitedly, he pressed the button to buzz them up. In minutes, they were on the sofa surrounded by delicious Chinese takeout and pages of script. Just like old times. Between bites of rice, Karen muttered lines to herself.

"This—film, is it?—sounds ridiculous. It’s the sappiest thing I’ve ever read. You don’t even look like a Shelley," Matt said, nudging her.

"Mini series," she corrected, raising her voice over the sounds of the storm outside. "And I was offered the job. The guy wrote it with me in mind. I need the experience, the connections, the—"

"You can do better. You deserve Hollywood."

Karen rolled her eyes and took a large bite of rice, shaking her head “no.”

"I’m serious, Kazza."

She sighed. “I had an audition last week, but I don’t think it went well. I’m trying, okay?”

Matt smiled. “I bet you were so brilliant, they’re still speechless.”

"Don’t be ridiculous."

There was yet another flash of lightning followed by sudden darkness. Karen’s apartment had lost electricity.

"Karen," Matt whispered. "Are you there?"

"No."

They burst into giggles.

"Shall we look for candles?" Matt asked, setting his food down gingerly.

"I have tea lights in a cabinet, somewhere." Karen pulled a small flashlight from her purse and flicked it on, shining it in Matt’s face.

He put his hands up defensively. “Oi, you!”

She snickered. “It won’t last long. The batteries are shit.”

"Come along, then. No time to waste!" He stood and held out his hand.

She took it, smiling to herself behind the shield of bright light.

A few bumped knees and fumbled touches later, they were riffling through cabinets, their contents surprisingly sparse.

"Do you own _anything_ , Karen? This is appalling, honestly.” 

"I don’t need _things_. It’s just me here. You know what’s stuffed? My bedroom. God, you should see that mess,” she rambled.

"Should I?" Matt pulled a bottle from a back corner. "What’s this?"

She shined the fast-dying light. “Vodka. It was a gift. I’m not a fan.”

"You’ve never even opened it." Matt unscrewed the top and took an impressive swig. "Come on then, Gillan." He offered her the bottle.

She wasn’t one to refuse a challenge, especially from him. She snatched it up and took a swallow. “Happy?” She grimaced and passed it back.

He grinned manically. “A shot every time you bump into something—”

"Aw, Matt, no—"

"Ah!" He put up a finger to silence her. "Two whenever you look in the wrong place for candles."

"I’m not looking forward to this." She crossed her arms.

The flashlight flickered out and thunder rumbled in the distance.

"I am!"

"I hate you."

She heard him close the cabinet and open another. “No ya don’t.” There was the clamor of plates and Matt’s murmured cursing, before she saw him knock back two large gulps in the moonlight. He held out the bottle. “Your guess next.”

Karen stepped forward, knocking her hip against the counter. “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” She flung open a cupboard and found it unused. She shook her head and took a long drink, despising every second.

Matt finally discovered tea lights behind the tea mugs, a likely place. He insisted Karen take four sips, just for losing. When she asked if he had any way to light the candles, he backed down. She produced a cigarette lighter from her purse, though it cost her a handful of bumps to make her way into the living room where she’d left it.

"I thought you’d quit that?"

Karen placed the tea lights on saucers and lit them as carefully as she could after so much vodka. “I have. I just keep the lighter for…you know, emergencies,” she lied. “Like this!”

Matt seemed unsure, but he welcomed the candlelight anyway. He took another swig as they surrounded themselves with light and sat down on the sofa.

"Are we done with your silly game, now?" she slurred.

"Never."

"Then, I’m not leaving this couch." Karen leaned back against him heavily.

"Loser."

"Fuck you."

"Yes, please."

Karen burst into laughter, letting her head fall into his lap. She gazed up at his face, blanketed by shadows and golden light. “With a chin like that? Dream on!”

Matt scoffed and and let his weight fall against the back of the sofa. “At least I don’t have a moon face. Big, round, and pale.”

"Bastard."

He smiled and twirled a strand of her fiery hair around his finger, unwound it, then started again. His other hand found its way into hers. “What are we doing, Kaz?” he mumbled.

She knitted her brows. _No, don’t ruin the moment_. ”What do you mean?”

He sighed again, as if to say, _You know_.

Karen thought of grabbing him by the collar and pulling him down to her, telling him just what she’d like to be doing. Their lips would crash together as she’d done in Spain, that lapse of self-control. But Karen knew better, now. She rolled to her side and let her eyelids droop. She tightened her fingers around Matt’s, heard him breathe in and out, and fell asleep gently. Thunder rumbled farther and farther in the distance and candles flickered out one by one. Karen dreamt morning never came.


	4. Chapter 4

Matt danced around the kitchen, trying desperately to be quiet. But the morning sunshine was too beautiful and his flight time was growing ever closer. He had all the ingredients for pancakes—maybe—but he couldn’t find a pan. Matt decided Karen had slept too long, so he clanged some pots together for good measure as he searched. A groan sounded from the living room. With a grin he popped his head in, “Good morning, sunshine! Pancakes? Coffee?” 

Karen sat up, blinking groggily at the light streaming in between the curtains. She put a hand to her head and moaned again. “What?”

"Breakfast!"

"Coffee."

"We’ll have to go out, then."

"No," she droned and threw herself back onto the sofa.

Matt nodded. “Pancakes it is. Where are your pans?”

"Next to the spatulas," she mumbled.

He cocked an eyebrow and slipped back into the kitchen. Making the batter seemed to be alright guesswork, but he must have forgotten an ingredient or two, because they just wouldn’t fry properly. When Karen finally wandered in, the stove was smoking thanks to a mishap with the butter, and a stack of gooey white pancakes stood next to a pile of brownish black crumbles. He spun around and splayed his arms in an attempt to hide the mess. The smell was wild, unfortunately.

"Matt, what the hell?"

He cleared his throat and took a step towards her, hands outstretched. “Karen… Kaz… Kazza—”

"Matthew."

"We’ll have to go out."

"Goddamnit!" She stomped out the kitchen.

"Karen?"

She returned a few minutes later with sunglasses and hair in a bun. Her arms were crossed and she’d slung a bag over shoulder. “Alright, dumbass. Let’s go.”

Matt had done some minor cleanup in her brief absence. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders cheerily. “Where would you like to eat?”

She replied in short, staccato-like sentences. “Don’t care. Somewhere indoors. Starbucks is fine.”

"Lead the way, Miss California." That earned him a glare.

The walk was short, and Starbucks was crowded. They were forced to an outdoors table after Matt paid for both their drinks and breakfast pastries. The sun beat down on them mercilessly from a cloudless blue sky. Karen pouted behind her cup, slouching in her chair. She drank her coffee quickly, coming alive with each sip.

Matt swallowed a bite of cinnamon streusel cake. “Are you wearing the same clothes as yesterday?” He peered at her carefully.

Her lips spread into a reluctant but playful smile. “Maybe.”

"I thought so," he said with an air of triumph. Coffee was lighting Karen up like a firework. He was proud of himself for the suggestion. "How’s your muffin?"

"Scrumptious," she mused. "Better than pancake goo, for sure." Matt had the sense to look sheepish, and Karen kicked his feet lightly under the table.

"Mind if I try a bite?" he asked.

"Yes," she lied. Karen held out a bunch of blueberry muffin for him.

He leaned forward and nipped it from her fingers playfully. “Mm!”

"Ew!"

Matt laughed heartily. “Here, have a bit.” He held out some cake.

Karen made a show of using her fingers rather than her mouth. “Not bad.”

"I know, right?"

They were silent for a few minutes, enjoying breakfast, perhaps cursing the sunshine. Karen broke it for once, despite her ebbing headache. “So, how’s Mr. Ryan Gosling?” She made mock bedroom eyes across the table, pulling her sunglasses down the bridge of her nose.

Matt fought the urge to roll his eyes. “Oh, he’s incredibly romantic, all the time. The whole cast and crew are always swooning. I can hardly keep my pants on.” Sarcasm dripped from every word.

Karen gasped. “Matt! He’s not that bad! Is he?”

"No, no." He shook his head. "He’s been brilliant. I’m learning a lot, I guess."

She nodded thoughtfully. A moment later, she started with reluctance, “When’s your flight—”

"Let’s go for a walk!" he interjected.

"What? Why?"

But he’d already jumped up from the table and was pulling her with him. She gripped his hand tightly, so as not to lose him, and did her best to keep up.

Matt turned and glanced back at her, smiling. He wasn’t ready to leave, let alone think about leaving. All they’d done this weekend was play games and tease as they’d always done. That wasn’t what he’d intended this trip to be about. _We were supposed to be honest, for once._ He stopped suddenly on the sidewalk. Karen would’ve bumped into him if he hadn’t spun around and caught her by the shoulders. “Karen.”

"Matt," she imitated in a deep voice.

He fought to keep his composure. “Why did I come visit you?”

She looked at him dumbstruck for a moment, then glanced at the traffic and the sky and the people on the sidewalk across the road. “You tell me,” she spat out, at last.

"No."

She raised an eyebrow. “No? I’m not a mind reader. This isn’t a fair game.”

His hands hadn’t left her shoulders. “This isn’t a game.”

Karen pressed her lips into a thin line. “What are you getting at?”

"Kazza," he sucked in a breath, mustering up old courage. "We know how we feel about each—" She was gone, ducked under his arm and power walking away. He ran after her. "Kaz, talk to me, please! Hey, what’s wrong?"

She was strong in her silence, all the way to her building, through the gate, up the stairs, and into her stupid, bare apartment. That’s when she turned on him. “This can’t work, Matt! How can it work? How could it ever? You’re so goddamn delusional.” She thrust a finger at his chest. “Look at us! Look! We’re so fucked up. I can’t, Matt, okay? I just can’t. Everything was a mistake, and I’m sorry.” She was crying, now. “Spain was a mistake. This was a mistake. Everything was a mistake! All of it!” Drained from her tirade, she fell onto the sofa, face in hands.

"I loved you in Spain," he managed weakly.

Venom peppered her words. “We were drunk.”

"We were happy."

Karen let loose a sob. Immediately, she stood again, wiping her eyes. “I need a shower. You need to pack or whatever.” She left the room on that remark.

Matt stood in the center of her living room feeling lost and empty. He didn’t understand. When he’d hopped on a plane early yesterday morning, he’d thought they were on the same page. Now, it seemed they were back to square one. He retrieved his bag from his unused room and sat in the middle of the living room floor. The sounds of Karen’s shower lulled him into deep thought. He loved Karen, and she felt the same way—he knew it. For whatever reason, she just couldn’t act on it. Why? Did she need space? For fuck’s sake, she’d had almost a year. I’ll ask her what she needs, he decided.

Karen emerged from the bathroom dressed and looking new over a half hour later. “Ready?”

He stood slowly and approached. “I just want to ask one thing.”

Her face tensed almost imperceptibly. “Shoot.”

"Well, just tell me what you need. From me. What do you need?" He met her brown eyes fervently.

She paused, legitamately pondering his question. “I— I need you to— I just want—” She played with her hair, pushing it behind her ears repeatedly. “I need time… to— to heal. I never considered us a real possibility. Give me time to process. To think.”

He nodded. “So, time to heal, process, and think.”

"Yeah."

"Yeah. I can do that."

They paused, unsure how to proceed. There was an air of exhaustion and relief between them, and some of the tension felt settled.

"Can I still send you pictures of my horseshoe penis?"

Karen threw her head back and laughed. “Yes, please do.”

Matt grinned and enveloped her into a warm hug. “Until next time, Gillan.”

"Mm-hm," was all she could muster, muffled by the shoulder of his shirt.

He plucked his bag from the floor and opened the door behind him. Matt leaned forward and grabbed her hand lightly, planting a chaste kiss on it before she could protest.

"Matt, you complete fucking weirdo!"

He grinned from ear-to-ear and pivoted to face the doorway. With a wave, he pulled the door shut. “Bye!”

Karen sighed at the sight of the closed door. Her emotions fought for dominance. The sound of her cell phone ringing snapped her out of it. She pulled it from her back pocket and narrowed her eyes at the screen skeptically. It was her agent. “Hello?”

"Karen, hi. I’ve got great news! You’re moving to Surrey!"


End file.
